Master your Cleanse….

Cleanse is a soothing word, isn’t it? Cleanse. Say it out loud. “Cleanssssssssse.”

By show of hands how many of us have heard this lovely word flow fluidly through the lips of a friend this year past year? And now,  how many of us have spit this word through our own gritted teeth a couple of weeks later?

Yes, I did a Cleanse in 2011, sort of. Any sort of strict “diet” I undertake is always going to be a “sort of” diet. This is where my rule follower friends will say, “well THAT’S why you didn’t get the full benefit!” to which I say, “poppycock” and I don’t mean “poppycock” as in the delicious popcorn caramel treat although I love that sort of poppycock much more than the strict diet type.

I like the IDEA of a “cleanse.” I like the idea of flushing toxins from my system and cleaning out my inner workings just as I like the IDEA of having really organized closets. I know that with really organized closets my life would run much more smoothly from season to season. No more shouts of, “mom, where’s my coat!” and “do we have any more toilet paper?”

The trouble is that I cannot be trusted to  actually follow through and get my closets in order. Since I am not stupid wealthy no one else is delegated to organize them so bottom line is that if I WANT organized closets I’m just going to have to get off my computer and do it myself. I totally admit that.

Which brings me back to my “Cleanse.” I followed it pretty well for the first day (read: 4 hours of the first day) but after that I got dizzy because I have this blood sugar issue so I ate something. The next day was better but I got extremely cranky so for the health and safety of my children I ate something. At this point I realized something important. Not everyone should “Cleanse.” Or at the very least, not all of us should cleanse while parenting small children.

This post is in NO WAY meant to dissuade you from undertaking a Cleanse. If you have the time and inclination then it can be a remarkable experience. I will say that the medical jury is still divided on Cleansing for the most part. It may or may not do what you want or expect it to do. You might be hoping the Cleanse will be a smiling Martha Stewart rolling up her sleeves and digging into your linen closet but in reality it’s just you, standing here in a pile of towels, cussing and crying.

Either way, if you do decide to do a cleanse I’m going to give you my best advice. This is not nutritional advice, nor is it practical “cleansing” advice.  This is relational advice, social media sharing advice, based upon feedback from very reliable sources, namely, my Twitter feed.

  • First off, when you decide to do a Cleanse it is acceptable to let your friends know about it. In fact, it is preferable to let us know so that we can chalk up any violent outbursts to your intake of lemons and cayenne pepper for the next few days.
  • It is also perfectly acceptable to post photos before you begin of your big stack of lemons. They look very pretty.
  • Do not post photos every single day of your lemons unless it’s to cuss out that stack of lemons. We’ll help you.
  • Do not give us a play by-play about your bowel movements or saline flushes. TMI.
  • You don’t have to hole up in your home while you’re cleansing but really think about it before you agree to attend food or drink oriented gatherings unless you have an iron will self-control. As Socrates might say, “Know Thyself.”  If you can’t be around donuts without going completely mental then spare yourself the pain. As your friends, we will understand.
  • Do not at any point say things like “I feel AMAZING!”  Some of us have seen you in person. We know you’re really feeling more like this right now (and there is no shame in that):

All this being said, as you proceed into this great endeavor I wish you bolstered fortitude, abundant produce sources and unlimited patience in your quest for health.  Call me if you need help folding that pile of  towels when you’re all done.

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